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Ben Nesvig - First World Problems

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Ben Nesvig - First World Problems

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Written by First World Problems: 101 Reasons Why The Terrorists Hate Us
Read by Ben Nesvig
Format: MP3
Bitrate: 64 Kbps

First World Problems: 101 Reasons Why the Terrorists Hate Us

Written by: Ben Nesvig
Narrated by: Ben Nesvig
Length: 3 hrs and 38 mins
Unabridged Audiobook
Release Date:12-27-12
Publisher: Ben Nesvig

Publisher's Summary

You are reading this on a screen. You have First World Problems.

First World Problems: 101 Reasons Why The Terrorists Hate Us is a collection of short humorous essays and rants from a man who knows suffering. It is comedy that borders on tragedy.

What are First World Problems?

A First World Problem is a trivial issue that afflicts people in wealthier nations declared to be in the "First World".

Third World Problem: "I have to walk three miles to draw water from a dirty well or else I'll die of dehydration."

First World Problem: We have nothing to drink in the fridge except filtered tap water."

Do you have nothing to drink except a limitless supply of tap water? Have you ever bought so much food at the grocery store that it molded before you could eat it? Did you buy an iPhone one week before the new model was announced?

You're suffering from First World Problems.

What follows is the graphic account of what it's like to live in the First World. Tales of unreasonably cold air conditioning, eating to the point of exhaustion, and being unable to enjoy summer weather due to gainful employment in a bad economy.

©2012 Ben Nesvig (P)2012 Ben Nesvig


What Are First World Problems?
The "I'm Not A Horrible Person" Disclaimer
Who Am I?
Who Are You?

A Prelude To Gluttony
Bought Too Much Food And Now Everything Is Molding
Couldn’t Wait For My Frozen Pizza To Cool Down So I Burned My Tongue
The Biodegradable SunChips Bag Hurts My Ears
Our Waiter Put An Uncomfortable Amount Of Effort Into The Specials Speech
I Didn't Order My Pizza Online So I Can't Track It
Our Server Brought Out The Dinner Plates Too Early Causing False Excitement
The Cold Stone Creamery Employee Didn’t Sing With Enthusiasm
The Server Took My Food Before I Was Done Eating
It Is Impossible To Get Light Mayonnaise On A Sandwich
Ordered Eight 25 Cent Wings And Received Six
Girl Scout Cookies Box Has Less Cookies Than I Remember
McDonald's Made Me Feel Like A Jerk For Not Donating Money
I Didn’t Order What I Wanted At An Italian Restaurant Because I Couldn’t Pronounce The Name
Accidentally Bit Into A Raisin Cookie Thinking It Was Chocolate
Found A Seed In My Seedless Watermelon
Bought Too Big Of An Ice Cream Cone And It’s Dripping On Me
I Look Like An Idiot When Eating Popcorn
Ate Just A Few Handfuls Of Cheese Popcorn And Now My Hands Are Orange
Our Hibachi Chef Wasn’t Japanese
Accidentally Farted While Driving With My Mother-In-Law In The Car
Have To Poop At the Coffee Shop But Can't Leave My Laptop
Waiter Was Too Proud To Write Down Our Order And Forgot Half Of It
The Butter Is Too Cold To Spread On My Banana Bread
Only Have $20s for the Vending Machine
Snowed In So I Had To Pay Extra For Pizza Delivery
Tried Exotic Food And Now Have Violent Diarrhea
Received Turkey Bacon Instead Of Real Bacon
Asked For No Tomatoes On My Sandwich And Received A Surplus Of Tomatoes
Getting Pied In The Face
The Fancy Italian Restaurant Menu Didn’t Have Pictures
Does No One Care About Refilling The Peel-And-Eat Shrimp At The Chinese Buffet?
My Strawberry Milkshake Was Too Thick For My Straw Because They Used Real Strawberries
Last Slice Of Heaven

First World Poor
I’m The Poorest Person I Know
I Have To Hand Wash My Dishes Before Putting Them In The Dishwasher
My Dryer Didn’t Completely Dry My Jeans So I Had To Spend Another 75 Cents
Getting Paid To Save Lives Is Boring
Someone Didn’t Refill The Brita
Cut My Own Hair And It’s A Nightmare
Apartment Dishwasher Is Too Loud
Neighbor Stopped Paying For Internet I'm Mooching Off Them
I Don’t Have An A/V Input In My Car So I Have To Listen To My iPhone With Headphones
Paid In Cash And Now I Have To Carry Around Coins
The 2 Setting On My Car's Air Conditioning Is Too Timid While 3 Is Too Cold
Pointless Car Alarm Woke Me Up From A Nap
The Battery In My Key Fob Died
Woke Up Freezing In The Middle Of The Night But Was Too Tired To Turn Off The Fan
There Are Glasses Full Of Water All Over My House
Because Poverty Is Relative, I'll Always Be Poor

Shopping Is Miserable In The First World
I Always Pick The Wrong Line To Stand In
Self-Checkout Lanes Are Ruining America
Can't Tell If The Person In Front Of Me Is Standing In Line Or Not
Ate Too Much Food And I Don't Have A Plunger
Returning Items On The Day After Christmas Is A Horrible Idea
Target Has Too Many Handicap Spots
Cashier Awkwardly Handed Back My Change
Black Friday Is For The Birds
The Person In Front Of Me Had 22 Items In The "10 Items Or Less" Line
It’s Impossible To Buy Just One Thing At Costco
Costco Is Full Of Sample Hoarders
Hairnets Are Distracting
Cashier Took An Uncomfortably Long Time Handing Back Change
The Escalator Is Broken So I Have To Walk Up It
Drive-Thru Lane Was Backed Up So I Had To Go Inside
There Is A Shopping Cart In The One Open Parking Spot
Shopping Isn't Getting Better

Welcome To The Work Week
It’s A Beautiful Day Outside But I Can't Be Certain Because I’m Gainfully Employed
People With Nalgene Bottles Ruin My Drinking Fountain Experience
My Work Lacks Meaning
Forgot To Bring My Headphones To My Soul-Deadening Job So I Must Buy New Ones At Lunch
Too Much Cash In My Wallet To Fold It
Ate Two Lunches And Now I Need A Nap
Diarrhea On The Way Home From Work
Always Healthy So I Never Get To Take A Sick Day
I Feel Wildly Uncomfortable When People Sing "Happy Birthday" To Me
The "Reply All" Button Ruined My Day
Ate Breakfast And Then A Coworker Brought In Bagels
I Have To Drive My Car To Work
Don't Have An Office So I Can't Fart At Work
I'm Forced To Use Internet Explorer At Work
Most People Work A Job They Hate

The Devil's Dungeon
Public Restrooms Are Disgusting
The Splash Guard Didn’t Contain The Splash
I Have To Use A Public Restroom Where I Pee In A Trough Like An Animal
Free Toilet Paper Isn't Free
I Was Falsely Accused Of Stinking Up The Bathroom
A Low Flow Toilet Ruined My Night
Forgot To Bring My iPad To The Bathroom And Now I’m Bored
Paper Towels Everywhere
Not With A Bang But A Flush

Random First World Problems
I Forgot To Consider The Environment Before Printing An Email
All I See On Facebook Is Baby Pictures
The Neti Pot Is Self-Torture
Late To Work Because I Was Stuck Behind A Bus On The Tracks
Have To Drive Across The State Border To Get Actual Fireworks
Nightly News Is Boring
Regrettably Threw All My Change Into The Wishing Well At The Mall
Favorite Indie Band Is Becoming Too Successful
First World Riots
Hotel Bed That I Paid To Sleep In Is Less Comfortable Than My Bed At Home
I Really Want To See The New Independent Movie But It's Not Showing In My Theater
Didn't Get An Easter Basket This Year
During A Group Picture I Was Closest To The Camera So I Look Like A Giant
Searched YouTube For An Inspiring Speech, Watched 2 Hours Of Funny Cat Videos Instead
Graduated College And Learned Nothing
I Hate Myself For Being Conscious Of A Family That Shall Not Be Named
The Pillows Are Too Damn Fluffy And I Can’t Take It Anymore

The End of The Road
Time To Say Goodbye
You're Still Reading?


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Files in this torrent

00. What Are First World Problems.mp31.9 MB
01. Food and Restaurants.mp330.7 MB
02. First World Poor.mp311.9 MB
03. Shopping.mp316.3 MB
04. Work.mp313.3 MB
05. Bathrooms.mp310.4 MB
06. Random First World Problems.mp318 MB
Ben Nesvig - First World Problems.jpg63.7 KB
Ben Nesvig - First World Problems.txt7.4 KB

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